She is 100% not here to make friends, and if that’s not enough, her strategy was strong enough to land herself the first impression rose.

Excitement makes Arie excited

But Arie is simply background noise on episode one because the premiere belongs to the ladies. And boy is this crew a solid one. Let’s discuss the highlights.

More: Bachelor Arie realizes you don’t know him, and he’d like to reintroduce himself

Driving a stock car up to the Bachelor mansion seems totally predictable considering Arie is a race-car driver, and enough to write off Maquel, the 23-year-old wedding photographer. Then she unleashed her incredible mane from underneath the helmet and it was hard not to literally gasp because the hair never stopped. It was incredible.

Good God. Ali literally asked Arie to smell her armpit for a smell check. Under no circumstance would a normal person allow this to happen. But here we are, on premiere night, with a man’s face in a woman’s armpit. Typically, you have to go to a specific section of a specific site to find that content. And to top it off, she called it a “pit stop.”

Ali, that pit stop was ballsy. #thebachelor

After an adorable little race car battle on the veranda/woman-in-waiting-loading-dock, Brittany lands the first “kiss” of the night. But it’s actually single mother Chelsea who lands the first real kiss, which makes that scene from Alien look super tame.

And speaking of villains, let’s talk about Chelsea, who is absolutely insane. Like, absurd. Goes as far to say, “Mama don’t play.” She makes her place as house villain known very quickly, stealing the first few minutes of Arie’s time, and then stealing him again from good-hearted Krystal. She is 100% not here to make friends, and if that’s not enough, her strategy was strong enough to land herself the first impression rose.

That feeling when you go for tapas, and the waiter brings out a dish with one piece, but there’s 29 of you.

Bekah’s entire storyline will be comprised of fighting with Chelsea. You just wait. Bekah, henceforth, will also only be referred to as Rizzo.

But that’s just a taste of the twenty-nine women vying for Arie’s heart. And there’s always the throwaways: twelve of the thirteen Laurens, any woman of color not highlighted on night one, the woman who owns a spray tan company.

Then you have the contenders, women on a mission with some serious clout. Let’s very scientifically rank them based on, you know, science.

4. Lauren S.

At least one Lauren has to make it to the final four. It’s Bachelor physics: If there exists more than three women of the same name, one must be triumphant. Laure J. seems tired, Lauren B. seems too young, and Lauren G. is simply uninterested. Thus, Lauren S. will land fourth.

3. Krystal

Krystal’s heart is too pure for this show, but she deserves to be here. She loves to cry, she loves to give, and she loves to just, you know, better humanity. As an online fitness coach and do-gooder of the homeless, she has all the makings of a final four contender.

2. Tia

Fun fact: Tia is a friend of Raven Gates, a true spitfire, one of the few women to get bleeped out (which is, in my estimation, a positive). And she came in with a memorable but slightly off-color joke. Tia will not win, but she is a solid pick for the next Bachelorette.

1. Becca

Becca has all the signs of a champion: She’s independent, funny and self-deprecating, supportive, and not-showboaty. Typically, this person would get a first impression rose, but Chelsea is bloodthirsty.

But at the end of the night, we said goodbye to Jessica, Brittane, Amber, Ali, Olivia, Nysha, Briana, and one of the Laurens (J), and we have an interesting picture of the season to come. Who has the top pick? Is there a chance that all the Laurens cancel each other out? We’ll find out with time and approximately 70 roses.

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